Tuesday, 24 February 2015

The Snail Collector (Short Play)

It is night-time, a man is hunched, walking and scanning the floor. He has a small, dirty brown bucket.

JULES: Hmm, mmm.

He picks something off the floor and drops it into the bucket.

JULES: What beautiful, wonderful specimens. Oh, look here!

He rushes to the other side of the stage and picks up something else, admires it in his hand and carefully places it in the bucket.

JULES: Oh, how lovely. Slimy, hmm.

He licks his lips.

GICQUEL enters stage right, he has a flash-light and is dressed in a railway workers uniform. He watches JULES. JULES shuffles across the stage and picks up another.

GICQUEL clears his throat. JULES is startled.

JULES: Oh, my! Oh, hello there young man, what a wonderful night for a stroll don't you think?

GICQUEL: I'm... not sure you're meant to be in here. It's not open to the public.

JULES: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that my boy. Us gentlemen can enjoy a nights stroll on an evening with such sweet charms can we not? With such wonderful sweet charms.

GICQUEL: I'm... I'm with the railway, I'm meant to be guarding the tracks, I think you need to leave.

JULES: Oh, nonsense, nonsense. Come, come, see these wonderful specimens, these wonderful slimy treats.

He gestures for GICQUEL to come closer.

JULES: Oh, don't be shy my boy, don't be so silly, come here and see my treats, look into my wonderful bucket.

GICQUEL comes closer, he looks into the bucket.

GICQUEL: There's lots of snails.

JULES: Yes, wonderful snails. Don't you love the way the wriggle and slime? Isn't it just a wonder of nature, and oh the smell. The wonderful smell of stinky snails, in my lovely snails bucket. Would you like to hold one?

GICQUEL: Look sir, I really think you ought to leave.

JULES: Come on my boy! Hold one of my sweet snails in your dainty manly palm.

GICQUEL: No. It's time for you to leave, this is... private property.

JULES: Just a little touch. Come, they're so smooth and squidgy, fluffy even. Come, let me put my snail on your cheek.


JULES: On your palm then. Here, hold your hand out... There we are my wonderful boy, not so difficult now was it?


Thursday, 15 May 2014

Brock Cain

Near the end of 2013, around Christmas time, I wrote a short radio play in a free-writing session about a big butch man who turns out underneath to be a softie.

The play lay dormant on my desktop for some time, until a few months ago when a good friend of mine told me their group desperately needed a script for a production they had to film imminently. I searched my mind for something suitable and, well, a radio play is very easily adaptable to screen.

It's slapdash, it's rough, it was filmed in about three hours, but it's mine.

I actually ended up performing in it as well, and if you like it, we can probably make more.

So, without further ado. I present to you, Brock!

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Elliot Porter and The Missing Pieces

The latest big event in my life has to be joining the fantastic Elliot Porter as a drummer in The Missing Pieces. Give his stuff a listen below:

There have been many great adventures, too many to recount to you in the few words I've allowed myself, but for now I'll just leave you with a few of my favourite pictures from the past year or so and the news that on the 29th of this month we will be playing a huge gig at The Sebright Arms in London to promote the release of a new EP!

If you'd like to come and check out the gig this month pop over to it's Facebook page where you can pick up all the details!

Sunday, 10 November 2013

A Whole New Project (Comedy Shorts)

For some time now I've been having little brain waves, funny things that come to me just before I go to bed, when I'm in a zombiefied morning stupor or, for some strange reason, when I'm bent double in the kitchen suffering from a severe hangover; and, when I can, I've written these down in a note-pad or on a scruffy piece of paper.

Recently I collected the best of these pieces together and decided that I had just enough to do a few episodes, recorded in a radio-style segment, that I planned on releasing upon the judging ears of the general public. 

So, through a haze of a severe cold (arrgh, my face feels like it's being pulled on by a small child, my eyes are watering, and someone's filled my nose with tar!) I set about getting down something that I hoped would make people laugh, and, hopefully, make them want to subscribe and listen to more.

Here's what came out:

Monday, 19 November 2012

A Story About Snow Men

Last Christmas I was living in Derby and it just so happened to snow, here's some photos of what the street looked like outside:

Oooo, snowy!

At the time I was fairly into Calvin and Hobbes, a comic written by a guy called Bill Watterson, I'd find the comic strips online and spend hours browsing them; if you don't already know of Calvin and Hobbes I would seriously suggest checking them out here.

Anyway, I was browsing through them when I came across a strip much like this one:

Om nom nom!

 Taking this as inspiration I decided to try and do something similar.

So I began messing around and produced something like this:

 It's behind you!

 See the resemblance?
Obviously it's not as grand as the Calvin and Hobbes version, but I tried my very best.

 Also, here's a pair of photos of another little snow sculpture I did that fateful night.

It was intended to greet people as they walked past, but unfortunately didn't last more than half an hour before the head fell off.

It may well have come across as a mad little gremlin.
Unfortunately that's all I've got to show to you.

I hope you enjoyed my snowy playthings and let's hope it snows again this winter so that I might try my hand at it second time!

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Deviant Art

I should probably mention that I have a couple of new poems up on my deviant art.

Hope you're well.